"He makes me so mad..." "She never does this for me..." These are typical statements that I hear in counseling each week. It is so very rare that a couple comes to me in counseling and asks the questions, "why is it that I treat my husband so poorly?" or "why do I drink so much and stay out?" So often, when a person calls me for marriage counseling, they are really calling me so I will change their spouse for them. Each playing the role of the victim of the mistreated spouse. Now, I understand that there really are marriages where one spouse is an actual victim (physical, sexual, emotional abuse, etc.). But the overwhelming majority of couples I work with do not fall in this category.
Don't get me wrong, people have legitimately been hurt by their spouse. But these same people legitimately hurt their spouse as well. And rather than focus on "how can I be a better husband or wife" most hurting people are focused on "how can I get my husband or wife to (fill in the blank)"
Jesus once said, "first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5). While he wasn't speaking directly to marriage, he was speaking to relationships. The idea is that before I should ever worry myself about how another person is wrong, I need to first examine my own life. David had the right idea when he said, "search me, God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts" (Psalm 139:23).
Try this. Next time you find yourself angry at your spouse, sit down and grab a piece of paper and make a list. List every thing you did in the conflict that you're not proud of, regardless of how your spouse behaved. You will be truly humbled.
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