I'm a Lumberjack and That's OK...

If you're not a Monty Python fan, then that title makes no sense to you, but hopefully this blog will.

"He makes me so mad..."  "She never does this for me..."  These are typical statements that I hear in counseling each week.  It is so very rare that a couple comes to me in counseling and asks the questions, "why is it that I treat my husband so poorly?" or "why do I drink so much and stay out?"  So often, when a person calls me for marriage counseling, they are really calling me so I will change their spouse for them.  Each playing the role of the victim of the mistreated spouse.  Now, I understand that there really are marriages where one spouse is an actual victim (physical, sexual, emotional abuse, etc.).  But the overwhelming majority of couples I work with do not fall in this category.

Don't get me wrong, people have legitimately been hurt by their spouse.  But these same people legitimately hurt their spouse as well.  And rather than focus on "how can I be a better husband or wife" most hurting people are focused on "how can I get my husband or wife to (fill in the blank)"

Jesus once said, "first take the  log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5).  While he wasn't speaking directly to marriage, he was speaking to relationships.  The idea is that before I should ever worry myself about how another person is wrong, I need to first examine my own life.  David had the right idea when he said, "search me, God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts" (Psalm 139:23).

Try this.  Next time you find yourself angry at your spouse, sit down and grab a piece of paper and make a list.  List every thing you did in the conflict that you're not proud of, regardless of how your spouse behaved.  You will be truly humbled.

Cold War

I am a product of the 80s.  There - I said it.  Nothing to be ashamed of.  The 80s brought us many great things - the VCR (whatever happened to Beta Max?), stone-washed jeans, St. Elmo's Fire, and Bon Jovi - to name a few.  Historically, it also brought an end to the Cold War between the United States and The Soviet Union.  However, with the end of the Cold War came the end of some great movie plots.  What would Rocky IV, Top Gun, Iron Eagle or Red Dawn be without the formidable enemy of Russia?

I can't help but think about how many marriages resemble the Cold War.  I'm definitely no history expert, but as I remember it, we felt threatened by the Soviets so we built up our arsenal of nuclear weapons.  The Soviets couldn't help but feel threatened by this move so naturally they built up theirs.  We were obliged to return this volley by increasing ours.  And the race was on.  I remember being taught that the Russians were evil, hateful people whose sole purpose was to wipe us out.  It wasn't until the Soviet Union collapsed that we allowed ourselves to see the fear that gripped those nations - much of which we contributed to.

As I said, I see many marriages engage in their own Cold War.  One spouse gets hurt (which will inevitably happen) and out of their own fear or defense, they hurt the other.  And the race is on.  Somewhere along the way, we fail to see that or spouse's reaction to hurt or fear is just that - a reaction and not an evil, calculated attack.

Next time you have a button pushed by your spouse, don't be so quick to go to your normal range of defensive measures.  Stop and observe what your spouse is experiencing and even take a moment to consider your contribution.  Replace judgment and evil motives with empathy and understanding.  Then put on your favorite Depeche Mode song and relax.